Series: "Family Connections" - Part 1

The "S" Word

For the next five Sundays, the Lord willing, we will go through a series of messages I entitled, "Family Connections." In this series we will be discussing the biblical teachings regarding how each member of the family relates to one another: Wife to Husband, Mother to Children, Children to Parents, Husband to Wife, and Father to Children. This morning we begin with the wife's relationship to her husband.

There is no word that induces so much controversy, produces so much confusion, and brings more heat to a discussion about marriage relationship than the "S" word- submission (not sumpong"). One reason is that husbands (even Christian ones) have used the word to exploit and take advantage of their spouses for their own selfish benefits, justifying their actions and attitudes based on an erroneous understanding of the term. No wonder there are pockets of resistance from the opposite sex when the issue of submission is brought out. Add to that is the fact that our generation has for a long time been stigmatized by the feminists movement that describe the "S" word as downright demeaning and a great insult to the image and identity of a woman.

If the word "submission" when talking about marriage relationship is really that bad, why in the world the Bible would use the term? In our passage this morning, 1Pet.3:1, it says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands." The KJV translates, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your husbands." Both mean the same. No, there's nothing wrong with the word "submission." It is a word that comes out of the Scripture, God's own Word, and it's good enough for us. It is how we understand the word that gives us the problem. We don't look at the word in its biblical usage. Like for example, many think of submission as the "role" of the wife in the marriage relationship. So, they say, that the husband's role is to be the head or leader of the home while the wife's role is to submit. They are absolutely right in saying that the "role" of the husband is to be the leader, but they are wrong in saying that the wife's "role" is to submit. How can you do that? Who he is as husband (a leader) does not correspond to what she does as wife (to submit).

If "role" has something to do with the person's position, then an "act" cannot be considered a role. In order to correct this, you will have to say that the husband's role is to be the leader, the wife's role is to be the follower. Unfortunately and thankfully this is not what the Bible is teaching us about the wife. To be a follower is not her "role" neither is to submit. What is it then? I'll get to that later.

Many also have this idea that submission means the wife is inferior compared to the husband. Wrong again! Submission has nothing to do with being inferior or superior. Not a few also think that submission makes the wife a mere servant or slave of the husband. Absolutely not true! When we have finished discussing the husband's relationship with his wife, you will be convinced that this is not so. Now, after today's sermon you may not get the whole picture, of how the submission of the wife to the husband not only invalidate the above wrong notions, but also fulfill God's perfect plan of a godly wife-husband relationship. You have to be here when we discuss the husband as he relates to his wife and that will be on the first Sunday of June, the Lord willing.

What does the Bible say about the wife's relationship with her husband? Our passage in 1Pet.3:1-6 says in no uncertain term, the "S" Word- submission. (1)"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe ("obey" in some translations) the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, (2)when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (3)Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. (4)Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (5)For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, (6)like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

How is submission described as it relates to the wife's relationship to her husband?

1) Submission is the wife's Christlike response to God's delegated authority (1a). Look at the first part of v1: "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands..." The phrase "in the same way" brings us back to chapter 2 beginning with v13, where the apostle Peter begins discussing the issue of submission. "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men." This refers of course to our government. Our government is God's instituted authority here on earth to maintain order and manage the affairs of the country. This is what Paul says in Rom.13:1-2: "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment to themselves." Our government is God's delegated authority to whom we should submit.

The apostle Peter moves from our government to our employers. In v18 of 1Peter 2, he says, "Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect..." Here again, we are admonished to be subject to those over us in our workplaces. Our employers are God's delegated authority in the area of our employment and we are to submit to them. Then in family life, Peter says, wives in the same way must submit to their husbands. Why? The husband is God's delegated authority in the home.

In 1Cor.11:3 Paul says with regards to the husband's authority: "Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." God made the man the head of the home. The same way, we are commanded to submit to our government, to our employers- wives are to submit themselves to their husbands. These three are God's established authority over us. Not to submit is tantamount to rebellion against God who delegated to them the responsibility of leadership.

Come to think about it, I find it surprising that those who are resistant to the issue of wives submitting to their husbands are not as defiant toward their employers and not as rebellious to the government. Those who find it difficult to submit to their husbands don't have problems with their employers or with the government. Are you one of them? Have you ever asked yourselves, why? Is it because not submitting to your employers will put you out of job? Is it because not submitting to the government will get your self in prison? What about not submitting to your husband? What do you think would be the consequence? But you will say, Pastor Glenn, you don't know my husband. O yeah? What? He snores so much. Of course no one knows your husband more than you do, but he is not the subject of our discussion this morning- you are as wife. We will talk about the husbands in part 4 of our series.

Now, if the wife is submitting to her husband , is responding as God's delegated head of the home, how is she to do it? In a Christlike way. Remember the phrase "in the same way" or in KJV "Likewise"? It not only refers to whom we submit but how we submit. How is the wife to submit to her husband? a) In Reverence to God (2:13) "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men." In the same way, the wife is to submit to her husband for the sake of the Lord. This phrase, "for the Lord's sake" means in reverence to the Lord, on account of who He is- Lord of all. When the wife submits to her husband she is in a very clear sense submitting to God who ordained the headship of the husband. The phrase also puts into right perspective that the ultimate object of the wife's obedience is to God, irrespective of the husband. By submitting to the husband, the wife is pleasing the Lord, to whom she will give an account. How is the wife to submit to her husband? She submits to her husband in reverence to God- "for the Lord's sake."

b) In Respect for her husband (2:18), "Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh." The same way employees submit to their employers with all respect, the wife is to submit to her husband with all respect to him, as God's ordained leader of the home. Notice that in this verse, submission with all respect should be accorded not only to the good, but as well as the bad ( and maybe, the ugly too!). How is that possible? How can a wife submit to a harsh husband with all respect? To a good one, may not be a problem; but to a husband that is inconsiderate and authoritarian who can submit with all respect?

I think the key is in the focus of your respect. Is it the personality of your husband that should be the basis of your submitting to him with all respect? Or is it the fundamental truth that this man whom you married is God's ordained leader of your family? When you have settled this thing in your heart that the husband is the leader of the home according to God, then submission becomes more manageable. You focus on your response to him, and let God do the changing of his character. By the way, Scripture does not make the command for the wife to submit to her husband conditional upon the husband's personality. Why not? Because personality changes as relationship grows and deepens. Your husband's personality now is not what he was ten or fifteen years ago. Either he's better now or worst than before. And Scripture does not put a time frame for the wife to submit to her husband. If you wait for your husband to mature and be the kind of person worthy of your respect, when will that be? Five years, 10, 17 years? It makes sense, and I believe it is right that the wife submits to her husband on the basis of the authority God has delegated to him- leader of the home and not on his being good or bad. God who delegated to him this leadership responsibility is able to make him the husband worthy of your submission with all respect. In fact, you as the wife is one of God's instruments in the transformation of your husband. This is the heart of our next point.

2) Submission is the wife's Christlike conduct that may win the husband over to the Lord (1b-2)

Let us look again at our passage, 1Pet.3:1-2: "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." The phrase "behavior of their wives" surely refers to her being submissive to her husband. So here we see that submission is the wife's behavior towards her husband that God can use to win him over to the Lord's side. Even if the husband is not a believer, who cares less about the things of God and totally against her faith ( for that seems to be the main sense of the phrase, "do not believe the word") he may be drawn over to God so that he might be saved by the "preaching of the wife? No! Without words- without her constant quoting of scripture verses (that can be nagging, you know?) but when he sees in you his wife, the purity and reverence you have for God and unconditional respect for him as the head of the family.

Some may ask, what about, if my husband is a believer but living far from the Lord, how can I be used by God to bring him close to Him? The same principle applies- by the submission of the wife, her behavior that is characterized by her purity and reverence for God and respect for her husband. If God can bring an obnoxious, anti-Christian husband to the His side, He can surely draw His straying own child back to His fold. I know some of you are thinking, how long should a wife remain in "mute" mode before she speaks out her heart? I think it is wrong to assume that by submission, the wife is disallowed to speak in opposition to the husband. If the husband's action, attitudes and ideas are contrary to the moral will of God as revealed in His Word, then the wife has the obligation to bring out the issue and present God's side. But she must do this with "gentleness and respect" not in a contentious and hostile manner. Not pointing out the error so as to blame and put down the husband, but by showing him what she sees as truth in a spirit of love, she desires to help him make a godly decision and thus empowering him to take the leadership of the home to another level.

For those wives who are struggling and suffering to see their husbands grow to become responsible and godly leaders of the family the example of our Lord may help and encourage you. Look back with me to 2:22-23: "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." Christ suffered blamelessly. Wives, make sure that as you submit to your husband, you will not be found with impure motives and selfish goals. You must remain pure and honest. (23a) "When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats." Christ suffered gracefully. It is our natural tendency to fight back, to retaliate. And we do it in two ways: actively- "an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth," and passively- we become indifferent, we wear a name tag which says, "I don't care." I hope you wives would not fall into these two responses. I hope that in the face of hardship you will still be able to extend grace to your husbands, as you receive grace from our heavenly Father. (23b) "Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly."

Christ suffered trustingly. The wife as well, must realize that her responsibility is to respond in submission to her husband out of respect for him and reverence to the Lord. And the outcome she must leave to God, trusting that He will deal with the problem fairly and righteously. If submission is the wife's behavior that may win the husband over to the Lord, the question then is... What attracts the husband to the wife?

3) Submission is a wife's Christlike adorning that makes her beautiful to her husband (3-6).

Let me direct your attention to v5: "For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands." KJV translates it, "For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands." How did women like Sarah, make themselves beautiful? By submitting to their husbands, they make themselves beautiful.

You see, when we think of submission in the biblical context of a marriage relationship, terms like meekness, gentleness, humility and quiet spirit. These are the things that ought to be nurtured and developed in the life of the wife if she is to become beautiful to the Lord and to her husband. Peter then addresses the present preoccupation of the women in his day by exhorting them to make it their priority to beautify the inward qualities above that of the outward appearance. He says in v3, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes." This verse does not mean that women should not braid their hair, nor wear gold jewelry or don expensive clothes. Peter's concern is not in women having these things, but rather in women considering these things as of primary importance to their life. Spending time and money to enhance the outward appearance should not the emphases of the Christian wife. Grooming your hair to the latest style, wearing the newest designer label clothes are not the passion of your life. Then v4: "Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." As one commentator says, "The cultivation of the inner spirit is more desirable than the ornamentation of the body. Beauty may fade, gold and silver may tarnish, and clothing will wear out, but the inner man is eternal. A meek and quiet spirit is of great value."

It is helpful to realize however, that although the emphasis of Peter is on the inner person, this does not mean that the wife should ignore her external appearance. Neglecting her personal appearance will not help attract her husband, if he is not a believer, to the Lord for salvation. Clothes, hairstyles and jewelry need not be expensive and elaborate in order to be attractive to your husband and honoring to the Lord. A wife who wants to be beautiful will develop her "inner person" without compromising her outward appearance.

Look at v6: "like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." Do what is right? This refers I believe to being submissive. To submit is the right thing to do for the wife in response to the leadership of the husband. The last phrase, "do not give way to fear" I believe means that wives must not fear what would happen if they let themselves be subject to their husbands. Will I be exploited by my husband? Will I lose my self-worth and identity? If I submit will I forfeit my privileges and opportunities as God's unique creation endowed with skills and abilities. Will submitting to my husband make me a second-class citizen of the kingdom? Peter's final words for the wives address these and many other fears. If you submit to your husbands, like Sarah and the other holy women whose hope is in God, you are doing the right thing and you need not fear your future life.

Wife how do you relate to your husband? the "S" word, Submission. A Christlike response to God's delegated authority; A Christlike conduct that may win the husband over to the Lord; A Christlike adorning that makes her beautiful to her husband. Submission-it is the right thing to do.